One day my therapist looked at me and said you have trust issues. I assume the expression on my face said something to the effect of “what the actual fuck Nicole?!? Why have I been in therapy for the better part of 16 years?!?” Needless to say I have trouble trusting and believing anything good happening for me.
I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I use my history of extensive trauma as proof that bad things happen to me. I perpetuate negativity in my life. I joke that I never say things could worse because the inevitably do.
Yet the truth is there have been many times things have worked out amazingly well. A few years ago I added meeting Jillian Michaels to my bucket list. A month later I was chatting with her on the phone for her podcast! I have a veggie garden in my backyard and this year I didn’t get a lot of veggies. So I was fairly disappointed but figured I can try again next year. I was picking out the weeds when I discovered a mini watermelon and cantaloupe amongst the weeds. When NASA and I started dating our second date was a day trip to Cleveland, I was just starting my private practice. I couldn’t afford to cancel any appointments; however, I didn’t have the kids and my appointments were able to reschedule so I was able to go.
Even this morning, I had a race downtown. I thought it was a 30 minute drive. Nope. It was 45 minutes and according to my GPS my ETA was 8:02. My race started at 8 and I didn’t pick up my bib yet. It was also so foggy I literally couldn’t see more than 5 feet in front of me. Literally was scared to drive through intersections. I don’t know how but I pulled into the parking lot at 7:55 and got my bib and was all set to run at 8:00. I had a good race. Having a great post race complete with sorbetto, a massage, and enjoying the weather.
I say this because I’m trying to work through my struggle of trusting and believing. I went to lunch with NASA at my request for my birthday. I missed him and wanted to see him. Lunch was nice, seeing him and spending time together was nice. During lunch, he mentioned how much he missed me and how hard its been not seeing me. Honestly it felt good to hear since our breakup has been really difficult for me. Afterwards we were texting, he told me that seeing me was really difficult and brought up a lot of feelings. THAT was hard to hear. While it wasn’t easy to see him, I’m in a good place with things. (Apparently bawling your eyes out and grieving for a few weeks does that…🙄).
I am saddened that he’s struggling with our break up though. I wish him all the joy and love in the world. I don’t understand how he feels that strongly but isn’t ready to commit. I need a commitment from him because everything being up in the air was causing too much pain and anxiety. If we are meant to be together we will be. If not I’m so glad and feel so lucky to have the time with him that I did. If we aren’t meant to be there’s something better out there for me. I trust and believe the universe’s plan for me.