The blame game

I think that people do what’s comfortable for them or what benefits them or what they have always done. It’s hard for people to go out of their comfort zone to change or see another’s point of view. Dealing with my ex-husband’s infidelity and our subsequent divorce has really hit this idea home for me.

I have had people subtly or openly say that Mr. Lemon’s infidelity was my fault. Let me be very clear here. Was I perfect wife? Nope. Was he a perfect husband? Far from it. We had our issues and marital problems. But what was different was his his brokenness that led to his affair. He could have left the marriage and divorced me. When I look back he checked out of our marriage long before any affair with PotatoFace. Even when he said he wanted to see other people while we were separated “we owe it to ourselves”, I told him I would rather get divorced. He SCREAMED at me for saying that. He started sleeping with PotatoFace two days later.

So really there is nothing I could have done differently that could have prevented his eventual infidelity. We had marital problems, all couples have issues of some nature. I was not tricking or forcing him into marriage with me. He is psychologically damaged and this was his solution to lie and cheat on his wife and mother of his two children. I think people say that it’s my fault or could have done things differently because then it makes them feel safer that it won’t happen to them. It’s a scary thought to think that the person you are married to and have children with can just check out and do something so horrific, but it is possible.

Even other tragedies that have happened recently like the little boy who was killed by an alligator while visiting Disney World with his family from Nebraska. People commenting on how the child shouldn’t have been near the water. (Because 2-year olds are known for being great listeners). How about instead comforting the family when the father tried wrestling his child away from an alligator? Or at least leaving them family who is mourning the horrific murder of their child alone? It seems to make people feel better to comment from their perspective and lifestyle but maybe it would be nice if people could show empathy and compassion in today’s cold judgemental world.

On the flip side, experiencing a trauma opens up the possibility to new beginnings. I am happy for Mr Lemon’s brokenness because now I get to live my life on my terms. I am blessed to have so much love and support around me so I could see the rainbow after the storm.  I remember a trainer from a trauma therapy training that said essentially the beautiful thing about trauma is seeing the healing and transformations that happen after the trauma.

 

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