Six months later: an update

It’s been a while since I really have blogged because well life is busy and hard as a single mom with two little kiddos. Life continues to be up and down while dealing with all this. Some days it’s two steps forward one step back; some days it’s one step forward and five steps back.
I think the hardest thing is seeing the kids struggle and helping them through it while I go through it while I’m still struggling with the infidelity. I can honestly say I’m over Mr. Lemon. I have been for a while. When I see him it’s surreal I don’t know him at all. It’s like he’s a guy from a previous life. Most of the time I feel nothing towards him. Nothing good or bad but then the kids get upset. Little miss insisted on sleeping on the recliner (on “dad’s chair”). I got so mad so angry that he could do this to our children. He gets to fuck a 19-year old child. He’s so concerned about his happiness that he doesn’t give a second thought to our sweet babies.
I definitely struggle with forgiving him and letting go of the anger and hurt that Mr. Lemon and PotatoFace have inflicted. Maybe because the blows keep coming. Little mister won’t sleep at night unless I’m in bed with him. It takes him an hour to go to bed. The only thing I can think of to get him to sleep better is wean him from nursing. This hurts my heart because I nursed little miss until she was four and going to do the same with him. Now I’m backed into the corner yet again choosing between two choices that I hate equally.
I was stuck for a while. Reliving what had happened, thinking and reliving the horrible mess my life had become. Then one day while listening to a story on NPR, I realized it’s not about forgetting. It’s about moving forward and making new memories. I keep thinking of Dory’s line from Finding Nemo, “Just keep swimming.” I think it’s part of the reason I was doing so much better emotionally when I was with Sparky. I had something fun and positive to focus on. Now that it ended I don’t. I’ve been trying to date but to no avail. Went to my cousins wedding. It was a lot harder than I thought but I got through. Which is great! I also think it was a healing experience for me. However it’s late so I’m off to bed. Night!

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