So I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this or not but I’m a psychologist who is in therapy. Almost ironic right? I want to start sharing my insights from my sessions as a client and as a clinician.
This week yet again we covered how I allowed things to get so bad and put up with so much in my relationship with Mr Lemon. So we were discussing things. How it’s so painful that when I asked Mr Lemon’s family and friends for help I got none. How this has been a pattern over and over and over again in my life. How it’s so painful that I emotionally shut down I cannot notice when things are bad. My therapist gave an example but I clarified it for her this way.
Its like my house is on fire and I’m screaming for help. Please somebody help me. There are people around they hear me and see me but dismiss it. It’s just a candle in front of a mirror. I beg and plead with them. Please! Help! Eventually my house is turned into nothing but ashes. I then turn to these people and say “see! I told you! My house burnt down! I have nothing!” People just look over at the rubble, shrug, and walk away.
At this point I’m crying. Why don’t people believe me? Why when I ask for help don’t I get it? Then I realize the truth is that I don’t believe myself. I don’t help myself out by just walking away. A lot of awful things happened to and around me as I was growing up. I was helpless then. I learned to not listen to my gut.
Now I am an adult. I do have power. I am listening to my gut. If the damn house is on fire I will call the fire department. I am learning to heal.