It’s been 102 days since I ended my marriage. Some (good) days it seems like that was forever ago and I don’t recognize that person. Other (bad) days I feel like it was yesterday and my heart and body still burns with excruciating agony. The bad days are less and less but still part of the journey to recovery. The other day a friend gave me a great compliment. That I have come so far in my recovery because I’m so high functioning. In fact that’s probably why my ex couldn’t connect with me because I was too high functioning for him. I see a problem and make a plan and execute it. I don’t bullshit around. I get stuff done. My ex is a different story.
My ex’s nickname is Mr. Lemon. A lemon as in a car you purchase and it’s broken down, piece of crap. Just like my ex. For years, he would be in and out of the hospital for health issues. When we were dating, he had back to back surgeries for digestive issues. He even recently has said he’d rather be dead than not eat gluten or dairy. He has a bachelor’s degree but still works at the same job he has had since 1999. He has tried to make me jealous by taking about other girls the entire time we were together. He didn’t understand my sarcasm. I begged our entire relationship to go to therapy. His delusional thinking was the problem would magically fix itself.
He would never want to do anything sexual with me. Sober or drunk. Even if I just wanted to let’s say focus on him. Nope he wouldn’t do it. The last few years we either went months without physical intimacy or I was virtually begging him to be intimate with me. This destroyed me. I felt unlovable, and repulsive, and completely undesirable. Spiritually he was void. He clearly is morally repugnant. Some of our marital problems were normal but he crossed the line over and over again. He made fun of me for liking to read. He wouldn’t kiss me if I had eaten pickles. He told me he would leave me if I cut my hair short. He word by word action by action tore me down until I was nothing. Normal people don’t do that. Only broken weak little men do that. That my friends is exactly who mr lemon is.
Now that we are getting divorced and he wants shared custody. Ha! He has been really sick had two surgeries and been hospitalized three times. So again who had to pick up the slack and barely gets a break. That’s right folks. Yours truly. Part of me feels sad for mr lemon and the kids. Part of me is angry as f*** that I’m getting shit heaped up on me again. A very small part of me is amused that karma is coming to kick his ass.
Today I said something about getting remarried one day. People were surprised. My response was “if you buy a car that doesn’t work you don’t stop driving you get a new car that works the way that cats are supposed to.” Now I’m off to work on myself so when I get a new car I’ll be able to spot a lemon much sooner!!