So my therapist Nicole is amazing, right? I’ve made more progress with her than any other therapist. She pushes me to look past the content and focus on the feelings or themes. Because surprisingly enough people who fight for a marriage while their spouse is checked out probably are broken somewhere. Probably my brokenness happened long before that relationship. Probably I have a long history of shitty relationships. The psychologist in me is saying duh and “be gentle with yourself” all at the same time.
Nicole will often comment at my defensiveness in talking about the pain that is behind everything that’s going on. She says the only way to completely heal is to heal the painful wounds I have. That sucks. I’ve had so much pain that my wounds are calloused over. Or maybe they’ve just been shoved away in a box in the back corner of a closet. Either way the pain needs to come out and I need to be gentle with it.
I was just reminded of that scene from the movie, Inside Out, when Joy finally gets it and that you need Sadness too. Then Riley is able to integrate those feelings. Thenit’s the best scene in the movie when she gets home and tells her parents how sad she is and they comfort her and she feels sad and joy at the same time. I need to do that with myself so the next time a relationship (romantic, friendship, family) becomes painful I can recognize that and walk away instead of letting the pain continue.
So in therapy I need to go to those painful feelings. Thirty four years of pain and hurt to process. I was thinking the other night about how I’ve gotten so used to pain I automatically think there is some pain in any love relationship but there shouldnt be!!
My earliest memories of my family of origin interweave pain and love until I cannot distinguish the two. It became normal to me so I didn’t question any relationships being toxic. Now that the two most toxic relationships are over I feel happier then…well probably ever. So now I can use my happiness to as motivation to be gentle with the pain and scars on my heart. Wish me luck!