I have always struggled with why someone would truly love me. I never felt like my parents did, or various best friends throughout the years. Although I’m weird, I couldn’t see anything unique about me that was loveable. Many people have been telling me that I need to love myself first before someone else can love me. As a therapist I know this is true and I can easily rattle off a list of admirable qualities in me. However I don’t accept my lovability on a soul level.
I have been tossing this idea around in my head since my last therapy session. Accepting myself and all my qualities even the ones I am embarrassed by: I’m a divorcee (or will be VERY soon hopefully); I laugh really loud when I think something is genuinely funny; I am sarcastic, clumsy, swear, and love to watch Lifetime movies that make me cry. Then I started thinking about famous women I admire (P!nk, Jillian Michaels) and I realize that a lot of the qualities that I feel are faults they possess as well. Contrarily the thing that I admire about them, I have as well: intense passion.
I’m positive anyone who is close to me can tell you that I am an intense person but very loving and loyal. I would do anything for the people I love. It might take me a while to open up. It might not be apparent from my guarded façade. It might seem like I’m just angry or mean, but if you are lucky enough to be someone I love then you will be one of the luckiest people in the world. That’s the thing about my ex he was intimidated by my intensity. He was weak and passive and couldn’t handle it. So now I see that he didn’t deserve to have me at my best.
I will take that knowledge though and learn to love myself again. Maybe for the first time really. Last night I did something I haven’t done in years. I took a bubble bath (with a glass of chocolate wine. Yum!). I usually shy away from things like that because it makes me uncomfortable but it was so comforting. Just relaxing in the warm water. Kids asleep. Sipping delicious wine. Today I had an amazing workout, then ate a healthy, delicious lunch. I feel amazing like I’m getting me back. I’m finding my sparkle. I’m learning to love myself at my worst and at my best.