Shit sandwiches and sparkles

2015 was a horrible, horrible year. It was full of one shit sandwich after another. Shit sandwiches that my ex-husband kept serving up over and over again. I kept eating them with a smile on my face pretending that it wasn’t shit. In fairness our marriage was never great, but I always held onto the belief that we would fix it/improve it/it wasn’t that bad. I begged my ex for years to go to therapy but he refused. Somehow I had married someone who didn’t believe in therapy yet I’m a therapist. Anyway apparently my ex-husband felt the best course of action was to check out of our marriage. I continue to ask him to work on it unaware he’s checked out. He starts having an emotional affair with a coworker. I plead with him to try. He asks for a separation so he can figure out if he wants to work on our marriage. He starts having a physical affair with said coworker. After a few weeks I give him an ultimatum to work on marriage or not. He says he wants to work on our marriage but apparently ms potato face (coworker) won’t stop and leave him alone. He tells me he can’t work on marriage because he has feelings for someone else. I start doing everything in my power to work on marriage. A few days before Halloween he admits it was a full blown affair. I’m devestated. My heart is in agony. My whole world is blown apart.

My ex begs me to work on marriage. Please, please, please, he says over again. After a few days I agree. Things seem better than they ever have been. I plot along try to figure out how to heal myself and my marriage but then ex stops putting in effort. I double my efforts even though on some level I knew by thanksgiving he was cheating on me again.  My therapist notes how I’m nearly killing myself trying to work on marriage. I acknowledge that this is true but continue on wanting to provide a better family for me and my kids. Then the final blow. Christmas Eve morning. My ex tells me that he started sleeping with potato face again. He won’t tell me when affair started again. I choke out the words we are definitely divorcing. There are NO words to describe the pain I felt in that moment.

It was also a moment of relief.  Relief that I wasn’t putting in 110% onto a relationship that wasn’t working. Relief that I wasn’t going to be his doormat anymore. Relief that I get to be in charge of my life now.  I decide that my New Years resolution is to sparkle. To get back that childlike joy that got lost. To feel that pure happiness that isn’t tainted with worry, stress, or anger. To find bliss and be in a happy, healthy relationship.

Since that day I’ve had so many moments of sparkles. Moments with my kiddos. Moments with friends. Moments with family. Moments of healing. Moments with a guy that makes me feel happier than I’ve felt in a really long time. I’m focusing on my healing, my needs, my wants, and what is the best thing for me. I feel like things are for the first time in a long time starting to look up and starting to sparkle.

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